I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
