Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
if only i could text you this smell
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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