I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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