I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
