Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
