Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
