So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
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You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
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Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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