She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
