Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Randomize
