I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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