i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
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