I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
