making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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