Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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