I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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