Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
