So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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