Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk