I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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