nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
