he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
