have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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