Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
