when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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