Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
