She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
