you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
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