God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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