I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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