You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
