Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
