all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
