Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
