it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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