Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
