your parents love me but you hate me
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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