New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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