a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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