Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize
