just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
