Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
