I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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