my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
