i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
