Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Found the puke drawer
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Randomize
