I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
