I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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