I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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