I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I pour the whiskey from now on
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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