You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
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