bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
