i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
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I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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