good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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