2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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