eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
If I die, sorry about rent.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
