if only i could text you this smell
i came on her dog
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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