I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
