I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
im calling her cock vulture from now on
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
