fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
