Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
